Two of my more eccentric habits are my deeply-ingrained loathing of ticket inspectors on trams, and my tendency to goad them at every available opportunity.
For those readers not from Melbourne, let me briefly digress. Once upon a time, trams had individuals on board known as conductors, or connies. As well as selling you your ticket, they would assist tourists with directions; help the elderly, infirm or pregnant on or of the tram; and provide a vague sense of security when travelling late at night.
Then, one day, in the name of economic rationalism, the state government did away with conductors, because they weren't cost effective.
Since then we're have non-cost-effective scratchy tickets introduced (whereby you were supposed to scratch off the silver gunk covering the date and hour of your journey to demonstrate how long yout ticket was valid for; not exactly practical if you carry your spare tickets in your purse or wallet, where they chafe and rub and flake); non-cost-effective ticket machines, which saw fare evasions skyrocket; and then, the non-cost-effective (significant) increase of the number of ticket inspectors patrolling our trams.
When I saw our trams, of course, I mean their trams ( as in the 'They' that everyone talks about when they say that 'Well, they say...") because 'our' trams were long since privatised; sold out from under our feet to private companies who now operate our so-called public transport system.
In other words, in order to save money by sacking all the connies, the government - and now the private sector who own our privatised public transport - have massively increased the numbers of ticket inspectors. Saving money by hiring loads more people to replace the people you sacked. I don't quite get it...
End of digression. Back to the story.
Ever since the Kennett Liberal Government sacked the conductors, I've been carry out my own private guerilla war against the existing system, and especially against tickets inspectors. It's the reason why I've amassed numerous unpaid fines in the intervening years, which probably means my credit rating is shot to hell, but then again, I'm not exactly planning to apply for a mortgage at any time soon.
Tonight, I confronted a group of ticket inspectors who were blocking one of the doors of the tram I was travelling home on. It's exactly the kind of inconsiderate act that pisses me off at any time, but when it's a group of ticket inspectors it's even worse. Had the shoe been on the other foot, and it been a group of young people standing in the doorway, you can bet the mob - because that's what ticket inspectors are, a cowardly mob of thugs and bullies who travel en masse and use their numbers to intimate - these very same inspectors would have been lecturing and abusing and fining.
Instead, they laughed and joked among themselves, and when I harrangued them, they claimed that they'd move aside for anyone who asked them to move, despite the fact that I'd just witnessed them stand unmoving when the doors open, forcing people to thread their way slowly and awkwardly through them - and as if people who are already intimidated by thugs in uniform are going to demand anything of them!!
Which is another reason I hate ticket inspectors, who in my opinion are way lower even than parking inspectors: because they've been granted the power to forcibly detain suspected fare evaders until the police arrive. They're people in the employ of private corporations who have been granted police-like powers. If that's not an erosion of civil rights, what is?
So, I've declared a one-man war on tricket inspectors on trams and I invite you to do the same.
When you see them acting objectionally, intervene: especially if you're an adult and you witness a pack of inspectors bullying and frightening a young person. Take down their badge numbers. Dob the bastards in.
When they demand to see your ticket, do what I do: refuse to show your ticket until they say the magic word: and when they get angry and even more demanding, ask to speak to their immediate superior - there's usually a queen or king bee travelling with the uniformed drones - and sweetly explain that, had the thug in question simply been polite enough to say 'please may I see your ticket', you would have happily shown them your ticket on the spot.
Cause them trouble. Make their lives as difficult as they make ours. Don't give the fuckers an inch. And remember - the next time you stand up against their authority, you're setting an example that your fellow passengers will remember - and as I did tonight, you'll find yourself sharing a conspoiratorial glance and a smile with another public transport user who you've just inspired with the idea of passive resistance.
13 comments:
Yes I hate them too. Too many times I’ve seen them acting like thugs. Some of them really seem to get off on the power trip, but I can help feeling they’ve also been trained in intimidation.
One Sunday morning I was catching the first tram home from outside Flinders Street and in that bleary windswept tram stop there was me, two other passengers and six inspectors. They soon ganged up on the one overseas student who didn’t have a valid ticket and, although you would think the job could be done by one person, all six of them surrounded this poor girl, glowering and towering over her. Just pure (& totally unnecessary) intimidation.
Although I have intervened on other occasions (much good it’s done me) I think this time I just asked them why they needed all six.
Of course, I didn’t get any satisfactory answer. Then my tram came.
Richard, bless you. Me too, me too! I hate them so much. Okay, this is what I do...they ask if I have a ticket.
"yes"
"show me your ticket"
Here are the magic words:
"do you have id please?"
Under their ruling legislation, they must produce ID, as a consumer I must be satisfied they are who they appear to be...
so they usually look strangely at me and say again, show me your ticket...
at which point I say to them, I will need to see your ID.
They finally get the fact that I am actually more powerful than them, they pull it out and shove it in my face, at which point, being most polite, I ask them to kindly remove it from its sleeve.
They try and avoid this, but if they get all worked up I simply say, please remove your id from its sleeve...I can't quite read it.
They have to produce ID for me the consumer, and they have to do this, but they won't want to hand it over...but I simply act even more polite, then they hand it over.
Look at their discomfort, revel in their stress, look at little old me, holding all the power.
Then once I have looked at their card, then at them, then back at the card, then back at them, I say something like...
"that's all fine"
Then I show them the ticket.
Of course, they want so dearly to be able to get me for something, but of course the ticket is completely perfect. So who wins? I bloody win because with manners and my rights, I have usurped their power.
And I recently learnt, from reading the Transport Act 1983, that we can also demand tht they write down their name and contact details. So perhaps another way of screwing with them.
I hate them so much, and I have long since realised that if you ark up at them they have every right to be bastards, but if I am polite and not breaking the law, then I can suck the power from them. They hate it so much.
Much love, angus c.
i've said it again and i'l say it before...
getting rid of the connies from the trams ripped the soul out of melbourne and, sadly, it's never recovered
Heheheh whoooooooooo!!!
Love it!
Hopefully this inspires more people to take back the trams for pleasant use.
Yesterday I was sitting next to a woman who couldn't have been less than 80 and looked it. An inspector asked to see her ticket. She showed it to him. It was valid but of course it was a concession ticket. Unbelievably, the inspector asked "What concession are you travelling under?" Somewhat bewildered by the question, the woman eventually answered "seniors". Even more unbelievably, the inspector then asked to see her seniors card. With some difficulty, she managed to eventually find it in her wallet. I was going to say something but she gestured to me not to and we shared a laugh about the absurdity of it.
If inspectors behave like that and insist on seeing a seniors card from someone who is obviously aged, then everyone should take Angus' advice and insist on seeing the inspectors' credentials.
For some reason, when I see inspectors behave like they often do, I'm often reminded of Zimbardo's prison experiment:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison_experiment
it's at least a two-[wo]man war, darling, as i routinely try to complicate their lives as much as possible. by the looks of these comments, there is a small army of awesomeness dedicated to the campaign.
because seriously, fuck those people.
Richard, and Angus too, goodonya is all I can say. Goodfuckinonya. I'm not a user of public transport, but when I was, I noted how they zoomed in on the young and vulnerable. The staff have gone from being service providers to police-state type characters.
It makes me remember how good conductors were. The other good thing I seem to remember about them was that they were one of the first really equal opputunity employers. No matter how weird you looked compared to the norm, you could be a conductor. And it all seem to work so fine.
conrad that's so true! pleasingly malformed and often alcoholic is how i remember them. and they never gave you a hard time like these new quasi-police thugs.
though saying that, i do confess to feeling sorry for ticket inspectors on one shocking occasion when i observed a trio of ticket inspectors, all from ethnic minorities - a small, loud woman flanked by two blokes - approach a really aggro guy on a tram. the woman held forth about his lack of a ticket, and our friend stared at her manacingly and said 'you've got a cunt. i don't listen to people with cunts'. it was really chilling. the woman was, understandably, dumbstruck, and the two doofuses with her didn't seem to have an adequate response either. anyway, the four of them took their dispute off the tram and i could hear the psycho hurling racially-tinged abuse as the tram pulled away.
my pity for the ticket inspectors did not take long to dissolve thereafter, given that the shoe is more regularly on the other foot... but it is upsetting that there is a tendency to give the socially unsavoury jobs (telemarketing for example) to vulnerable groups who cop it in the neck from punters in place of the real arseholes in all this. the legislators and businesses who took away the conductors and replaced them with people whose job it is to be unpleasant.
I mate of mine was both a tram driver and conductor. Many years ago (but not that long ago) The Sun decided to write an article about the "tranny trammies" (o lorks the hilarity). To their everlasting credit, the Union kicked up a massive stink.
Now what do we have left? Ticket inspectors. Couldn't that same money being spent on them be used to hire conductors?
BTW, I was arrested once during the course of the war. Remind me to tell you the story next time I see you.
I once saw the guy who bashed me, when he was a nightclub bouncer (me, broken nose, two other people, concussion) manning the gates at melbourne central station...the last time I looked however they had cracked down on ticket thugs being allowed to be thugs if they have a criminal record...oh if I could just tell you his name, it starts with I, his last name starts with RAT ... believe it or not...and the coppers decided to forget to call witnesses...ah, democracy
Whether this is true or urban myth, apparently the unpaid fines are not followed up as there are too many of them and enough people pay the fine anyway. I was booked whilst a full time student some years ago as I had a student card (and ticket) but not the relevant travel card. When I asked how was I to know this as there was no signage, I was ignored and fined. I entered into a protracted letter battle (for the fun of it) that dragged out over 18 months until I simply refused to pay the fine because they wouldn't withdraw the fine. That was the last I heard of it.
No Sheriff came to my door asking for my first born.
Oh, and I still got a mortgage too! LOL
I think it may be more than urban myth, John - I have at least five or six unpaid fines for travelling without a ticket, a couple of them at least two or three years old.
The amounts I owe keep increasing, the tone of the letters becomes more threatening; but as with you, the sherrif has never turned up (not much point seeing as I don't have a car or similar goods they consficate in lieu).
I'm kinda hoping they'll take me to court one day; I think a day or two in jail for unpaid ticket fines would like quite good on my resume!
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